Karen's Story: My Journey To Mentoring Other Women

I came across The Women's Centre 20 years ago, way before I recognised that I had work to do on myself. All I knew was that my life had been surrounded by abuse and violence and I wanted to help women who had faced similar journeys like mine.

I started the training to become a Specialist Support Volunteer, but there I was sitting in a session experiencing body tremors and dissociation.

That was the first time I noticed them, in that space with the other women. So I ran.

I was holding onto a big fucking secret all the time.

Getting up in the morning, adding speed (amphetamine) to my coffee, then needing alcohol to bring me back down. But not too much, just enough not to tip over the edge and let it ruin everything.

I was working to support the habit and needed the habit to survive in the world. Until I lost control of it. I feel that my life has been a game, never really fitting in anywhere, going from group to group, for fear of being rumbled for who I was and what I was trying to hide. I could easily fit in with those sitting around a table with well paid jobs just as much as those at the end of the road using drugs. I was spinning so many plates.

Years living in that state was really stressful. I kept telling myself that other people had it far worse. I wasn't even allowing myself to validate what I had been through, what pain I was in. I don't even know I survived.

I ended up in rehab. I knew that my addiction had kept me sane. It has kept me alive.

I was looking for others to fix me, not realising that I had to do the work myself. I had no confidence, low self esteem, no self worth and big issues with Dyslexia.

It was then that I was referred to The Womens Centre Cornwall for Specialist Support.

Having the support in the early stages without the need to continue to hold onto my massive secret and shame of who I was and where I had come from, was hugely validating.

I'm not even sure how I ended up applying to become a Mentor with the Open Project. I always knew that I wanted to support women, through their own healing, and knew there was a way through but didn't quite understand it myself.

But I know how painful it is, to sit with the abuse, to see how life is affected. The way I moved around this world, the way I brought up my kids and the fear of just being. It's huge and it's hard work.

The Mentoring training taught me so much about myself. I knew I still had stuff to work on, but felt that I had a good support network around me. It became less about my needs and way more about the needs of others.

Being in a room with other women who all brought their own experiences and who all wanted to stand up for others felt empowering.  

Only women that have been through this shit know that self care is not really self care it's just about mimicking life. I have always mirrored others, always had one foot in the past and one in the future.

But now I am present.  I wanted to get out there and get shit done. I wanted to be an ambassador for other women.

And then everything started to fall into place and suddenly life got lifey.

I felt excited to be able to hold women in their space.

It felt empowering to watch the changes in those I was mentoring. I became selfless, because in that honest moment with a Mentee it wasn't about how far I had come on my journey, it was about helping her get to an emotional place she needed to be for a while.

I remember working with my first Mentee.

I was so scared having all that responsibility, holding someone who was so vulnerable in her pain. But I soon realised it's about two women talking and finding the answers together, not me rushing in to try and fix her.

I see that I became that woman that she could trust, who turned up every week regardless. I didn't take over, didn’t arrive with my own agenda, but I cared for her and gave her respect.

Sometimes it's frustrating work, when you offer solutions, repeat yourself like a broken record but they can’t or don’t want to use what you are offering.

But I remember being that woman and then suddenly one day all of the pennies dropped for me. I've learnt that when a woman is ready to get it, she will.

I have to check in with myself and the boundaries within the relationship with the Mentee. Often Mentees have never experienced a caring and respectful relationship and they could find letting go of the Mentoring relationship tough to do. So I have to take a step back and reflect on whether the woman is doing the work or am doing the work for her, are they changing and growing or staying stuck where they are.

Sometimes as a Mentor you need to accept that stepping back can also help their growth.

Being a Mentor has helped me to see the bigger picture. A bigger world than the one I live in.

Sometimes I don’t have the answers they need, sometimes all I can do is be right there with them in their anger, shame and guilt.

By helping women to move in their journey, watching them grow has enabled me to see myself and what I went through in a different way. It's like holding up a glass window sometimes. Seeing that strength in both sides of the glass has been enlightening and empowering.

I have been Mentoring for the Open Project for about 18 months, working with women who have experienced life in the criminal justice system, but I have done so much other stuff during that time too.

I have worked with Safer Spaces at festivals across the UK and abroad, I've worked with Viv Gordon and the amazing bunch of women that are the DIVAs.

I have now returned to the Specialist Support Volunteer training with The Women's Centre.

I know I need to be somewhere I can support women, and can influence change for those who have lived through childhood abuse and sexual violence.

The Women's Centre Cornwall has taught me how to feel a sense of belonging. I am now a woman who belongs, with ideas and feelings that are welcomed and valid.

This journey has been immense. It’s just nuts!

Karen, December 2023

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